image courtesy of petter palander

When you walk into a room, how do you position yourself?

I tend to evaluate who’s there and take one of two stances: superior or inferior. Either I’m better/smarter/cooler or I’m dumber/lamer/less experienced. And once I assume one of these positions, it’s damn near impossible to snap out of it.

If I perceive myself as better, then it becomes all about making sure everyone knows that I’m better—that my point of view is more comprehensive and impressive than theirs. If I put myself in a position of being less than, then I clam up like a shy little kid, barely even giving myself permission to speak for fear of looking like a nimrod.

I can see that this behavior is arrogant and immature, that it reflects an inaccurate understanding of reality. Is it true, or at all important, that I am smart or dumb, more than or less than? Isn’t it far more important that I show up in every situation ready to contribute something positive no matter who else is around?

This superiority/inferiority complex also limits my ability to participate and lead and create with other people. How can I be fully part of something big and awesome and world-changing when I insist on setting myself apart from every situation in which I find myself?

I am not going to be able to create the bright green future I envision on my own. I need to work in close and free-flowing collaboration with the many other brilliant people who believe in these possibilities. I can’t be overbearing, nor can I limit what I have to offer by shying away from those who are more accomplished than me. I have to learn how to not have it be about me at all.

Why do I evaluate every situation according to how I fit into it? Some mundane combination of childhood habits and murky psychological power plays, no doubt. But at this point, I don’t even think the “why” matters. What matters is the fact that I really want to change it.

It’s tricky, because, although I can see this pattern in myself after the fact, in the moment it doesn’t feel like something I’m actively doing. It’s pre-cognitive, a habit so deeply ingrained that I have a hard time noticing that it’s happening. So I think my first step must be to pay attention to what I am thinking, to look for that moment when I make a movement away from the group, and to resist that urge.

I doubt that I’m the only person who does this—in fact I see other people do it every day. We are hesitant to trust each other, afraid we might look stupid or be misunderstood or lumped in with a crowd that doesn’t reflect how we think about ourselves at all.

So we set ourselves apart by judging instead of coming together. Millions of us walk around positioning ourselves in relationship to each other without actually being in relationship with each other. What a colossal waste of time and potential!!

What might be possible if we each made the commitment to prioritize connection over looking good? If we decided to lay aside our ideas about who we are individually and instead discover what we can do together?