image by maluni

Stella’s pieces on how to live the good life outside the current spend/consume paradigm constitute an amazing resource. When creativity takes the place of credit, I find myself enjoying myself more, building deeper connections, and really thinking about what I’m doing. This is how a new world is made—by consciously deciding how we want to live and relate with each other. -ed.

I know a lot of articles about frugality suggest curbing socializing and entertainment and paint them as frivolous activities, but I see them as essentials. Just like a marriage, you can’t have a strong and lasting community if you don’t take care of it. In good times, a strong community is a joy, and in times of crisis, those relationships become critical. It’s worth it to devote time and effort to creating and nurturing community connections.

At the same time, we need to remember that entertaining doesn’t have to be nerve-wracking. Something that has struck me in the last few years is how much more formal entertaining seems to have gotten—it’s become synonymous with having a party or an event. We don’t just have a friend over for a cup of coffee at the kitchen table anymore. Even our kids have “play dates.”

I can’t help but wonder if this is because our relationships with other people aren’t as close as they once were. When I am in that first stage of getting to know someone I am much more likely to fuss over a big meal or fuss over the state of my house. Once I get to know people better I don’t sit around worrying, “What would they think?” anymore. When my close friends come over I might take the laundry out of the living room and down to the basement, but I’m probably not going to apologize for it if I don’t.

Entertaining at home can be a lot of fun if you take the right approach. My biggest obstacle to having people over to spend time together is perfectionism. A couple of years ago I decided that I had to overcome that. I was feeling really lonely and I just couldn’t afford to be meeting friends out for coffee or a movie as often as I would have liked.

I would love to have a Martha Stewart-like clean house, a fabulous three-course dinner and a beautifully set table, but that’s not my reality and it’s not worth isolating myself or confining my socialization to dinners out to keep up appearances.

Don’t get me wrong, I love putsy gourmet meals and good wine as much as the next person, but they aren’t necessary to have a good time. I’ve decided that people are just going to have to take me as I am. The result has been amazing. I have developed more friendships and deeper friendships than I had in the past and I am beginning to feel like I have a strong, caring support system.

Activities

The first thing I have tried to do is dispense with the idea that having people over necessarily means having people over for dinner. When I was younger my friends and I thought nothing of going to each other’s houses for a few hours for activities that had nothing to do with food. They’d play guitar together and I’d listen or occasionally sing, we’d make a stupid movie with someone’s parent’s video camera or we’d build a luge track in the backyard. One friend had a “read your favourite Robert Burns poem” night at her house.  I even hosted weekly tea parties for my mostly male friends at my first apartment. That’s the spirit of fun and camaraderie I’m looking to recapture.

If you’re not going to have a meal it can be fun to have gatherings centered on an activity. Crafts are always fun and this time of the year it’s nice to have an excuse to work on gifts or just stuff to keep you warm in the winter.

I used to go to a knitting group at my friends Anais and Jordanne’s house. We’d knit in the garden when it was warm enough and in the house when it got chilly. Everyone brought an appetizer, dessert or beverage and we’d chat and learn from each other. That knitting group is where I learned to knit in the first place. Last winter a friend of mine had a similar party at her house here in Minnesota.  The gathering started at 7:00PM and by the time any of us bothered to look at a clock it was after midnight.

Another thing we’ve been doing lately is getting together to play Rock Band or Guitar Hero. I know a lot of people are really against video games and I think some of the claims that video games isolate people have some merit, but sometimes they are just good fun. I don’t actually own a gaming console and I probably won’t ever buy one but I really have fun playing at my friend’s houses. It keeps the game social and interactive and makes it a treat versus an everyday activity.

The options for activities are as endless as our imaginations. I’ve been thinking lately about hosting a poetry slam later this winter when we’re all bored and it’s too cold to go outside. On Halloween we went to a friend’s house for trick or treating and it could be fun to sit around the bonfire telling scary stories with the older kids once the little ones are sleeping.

My friend Mari wants to have a card-making party to make interesting, unique Christmas cards. My dad has been attending something called the Argument of the Month club where people get together, have some beers and discuss a pre-selected topic for argument. How’s that for getting over the culture wars? Come on over. Lets have some beers and some pigs in a blanket and chat about climate change. Sounds like a good time to me. These kinds of gatherings are at least as much fun to me as your standard dinner party.

Food

When a meal is the focus of the gathering there are lots of options for making a fun and inexpensive time of it.

Lately we have been getting together with some friends of ours on a weekly basis to share dinner. They bring part of dinner and we provide the rest. For example the first night they brought quiche and I baked some bread and a cake. It is inexpensive for everyone and it is even better than going out to dinner. There is no pressure to hurry up and clear the table and when the kids get bored they wander off to play. For a while after the meal my friend and I go for a walk and my husband and her husband go off to play video games or watch a movie.

The potluck style of the gathering really helps keep things informal and saves everyone some money. Since my friend and I are both really fond of cooking it’s also a fun chance to try new recipes out on each other.

I’ve been thinking that in addition to potluck style gatherings it can be fun to cook together. I’ve done this once or twice in the past year and I’d like to do more of it. We could find a recipe we’d like to try and assign each person some of the ingredients to bring or we could make it more spontaneous. We could visit a cool ethnic grocery store or a farmer’s market, see what ingredients call to us and devise a menu on the spot—our own version of Minnesota Iron Chef. By splitting the cost we’d still be saving money and it would be a lot of fun. This would be a great time to try a recipe that calls for something I’d usually be hesitant to buy. Maybe that $5 jar of horseradish jelly I’ve been eyeing is worth a shot if there are 5 of us willing to try it.

Another thing to consider is that you don’t always have to host people for dinner. Some friends of ours had us over for breakfast a while back and it was just lovely. They had monkey bread, scrambled eggs, pancakes and bacon. I brought some of my homemade apple syrup and a jug of apple cider. Breakfast is usually pretty inexpensive. Coffee or tea and a treat, or beer and appetizers are always fun too.

The point is to enjoy each other’s company, have some great conversation, and laugh—we don’t have to convert a barn to a dining hall or put up 1,000 votive candles a la Martha Stewart to make that happen. Community is about reality—real relationships built on discovering, helping, and sharing with each other. When we get beyond the desire to superficially impress each other with our clever consumption, we can build these real connections and interact on a deeper level.