image courtesy of jonnykeelty

Grumpiness happens. For me, it’s when people are willfully clueless and/or bad drivers and/or walking too slow on the sidewalk in front of me. I can feel myself get tense and then I start muttering to myself like a crazy person. It’s not pretty!

Beyond ‘not pretty,’ though, it also has a larger impact. On days when I give in to being grumpy, I get less done. I spend valuable moments replaying the annoying things that happened and parsing my reactions to them. “I shouldn’t have been snippy with so-and-so,” etc.

Of course this is a total waste of time.

Why your mood matters

There’s also the fact that, as I learned in Winifred Gallagher’s excellent book Rapt, negative emotions cause us to see fewer possibilities, and to constrict our focus. Think about millions of grumpy faces dotted across the world on any given day. How many great opportunities and connections are we missing because we’re focusing on the wrong things?

It’s clear that part of changing the world is learning to manage our emotions so that we can see clearly even when surrounded by terrible drivers and slow walkers. I can’t say I’m perfect at this, but I have come a long way, and most days I find it quite easy to maintain a positive outlook. Here’s what’s worked for me:

Get clear on your desire to be more positive

Take 5 minutes to remember the last time you lost your shit when you shouldn’t have. How did you feel afterward? How did the person you went off on feel? Did either of you deserve that drama? No need to beat yourself up about it, but remembering the damage done by your last bad mood can motivate you to nip the next one in the bud.

Notice when you are getting grumpy

My excellent life coach taught me that the first step to changing any habit is to notice it. What triggers a bad mood for you? How does it feel in your body when it starts? Study your behavior like a scientist, then use this information to change.

Rewire yourself to look at things differently

Once you’ve gotten good at noticing how and why and when you get grumpy, throw a wrench into the pattern. If you feel yourself starting to get tense, take a few deep breaths. Talk to yourself: “It really doesn’t matter that the person in front of me in the left lane is doing less than the speed limit. I’m still going to get where I’m going.” Redirect your attention on something else—an upcoming trip, the delicious dinner you’re going to have, or something that you read. The idea is to focus on something other than how entitled you are to your bad mood, preferably something juicy that excites you.

Ask for help

If you’re having a hard time popping yourself out of your habitual foul mood, enlist a loved one’s help. Of course, sometimes having your grumpiness pointed out to you can make it worse, so it helps develop a goofy code system to defuse the emotion. The sillier the better. One of my loved ones and I have a special peculiar voice and phrase we use with each other when one of us is starting to get into the red zone. It’s so dumb, it makes us laugh every time, and laughter is like Kryptonite to grumpiness.

Analyze failures and successes and adjust course

Maybe the goofy codeword thing makes you angrier. Or maybe you find that one specific memory of something hilarious always works to de-escalate the rising tide of misery. Try different tactics, and take note of what works and what doesn’t. For my part, I’ve found that noticing when I’m being a dick, and sincerely not wanting to be a dick, is pretty much enough. I tell myself to calm down, take a few breaths, and force my attention onto something fun or interesting.

When all else fails, contain it

Sometimes none of these tactics work and you’re just stuck in a pissy mood. At these times, there’s nothing to do but minimize the damage. Go off by yourself for a while if you can—read a book or take a walk or have a good sweat at the gym. (A good sweat is particularly good.) If that’s not possible, take extra time and care with your words and actions. The fact that you’re in a bad mood doesn’t entitle you to inflict it on everyone else. When I’m in an awful mood, I try to look at it as my sacred duty to bear my bad feelings so that no one else has to. This makes me feel grown-up and strong, which sometimes banishes the bad mood in and of itself.

We have too much to do to waste time and energy and precious attention on mundane things that aren’t exactly as we’d like them to be. By learning to manage our moods moment-to-moment, we increase our ability to act and to forge connections with others in creative ways. We also literally open ourselves up to more possibilities.

Don’t let grumpiness steal any more of your life. Develop your awareness and your agency, and watch your life improve as your mood does.